[kitsunehanyou09]

Rudis Domino

Kitsune Hanyou: Hello all, this is my third attempt or fourth attempt at fan fiction. I gave up on the first 2 or 3, and the 4th was deleted when the forums I was formerly associated with had crashed. Anyway, I hope that you all will like my story. Here are the details:

Anime/Game used: Love Hina, Disgaea

Pairings: It’s a harem, so there will be a lot. Serious or not ^_^

Rating: T

Kitsune Hanyou: Right then, Keitaro-dono, please say the disclaimer.

Keitaro: Love Hina is under the publication rights of Kodansha and sir Ken Akamatsu, while Disgaea is under copyright of Nippon Ichi software. Kitsune Hanyou-dono owns neither of them, this is a fan made story, thank you.

Kitsune Hanyou: * claps * Good job! All right, let’s get started…
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the universe, there are three worlds: Realm of the angels and holy beings, Celestia; Realm in-between, home of humans and other entities, Earth; The Realm of demons and monsters, Netherworld or Makai. Layered atop one-another, like a cosmic cake, they reside as different fragments of the cosmos. While Earth is only one world caught in the middle of the other two, Celestia and Makai are referred to humans in many names. For Celestia, in example there is Heaven, Jannah, Nirvana, and Valhalla; For Makai, in example there is Purgatory, Hell, Di Yu, Underworld, and Jigoku.

Unlike Celestia and Earth…the Netherworld really is numerous. Different Netherworlds exist everywhere. Overlords, the most powerful and dominant demons command armies and fight each other for superiority. Beneath them, their generals, the Demon Lords, work to soon overthrow the Overlord for the throne. But since the deal between the Supreme Overlord and the Seraph of Celestia…a calm era has long flowed through the Netherworlds…until now that is.

A young girl with bright red hair, held up in pigtails drops her bag on a sofa and walks over towards a small TV. She taps the remote with her toe as the TV blinks open and broadcasts the afternoon news.

Exhausted from her tiresome daily life she had been forced to live, she retrieves a can of soda from the fridge and sighs heavily before drinking four gulps of the sweet bubbling liquid.

“And the beautiful weather we are having will continue for another few days before we hit Sunday when it will start to get wet, I’m talking about that ever confusing unpredictable rain period…” The TV went on as the girl simply sat there dazing off.

Looking toward the small shelf, she looked at it and a few picture frames were there. All of which she was wearing some sort of tracksuit, gauntlets, and leggings; a girl with long black hair tied in a layered ponytail, was with her in most of the photographs; beside or between them would usually be a man with dark brown hair, cargo shorts, a jacket, and a tight sleeveless shirt.

Leaving her drink on the small table, she walked over and observed it closer before heaving another depressed sigh. I wish things could go back to the way they were before…

“And thank you for that report, Kanazuki-san. In other news, another odd yet frequent event has transgressed today at Kanagawa-prefecture, as a young, dark-haired man in his early 20s, a Mr. Urashima Keitaro had just flown once again from the air and landed in a crater in the middle of Kanonji Park”

The girl snapped herself out of her reverie at the mention of his name; no way, it can’t be… she denied it and thought it false but was still compelled to watch anyway.

Literally running over in front of the TV, she got down and listened closely, “Witnesses say that this is no more than a common occurrence in the Hinata area and should not be considered frightening nor a matter of urgency. Ah! There he is now!”

The cameraman turns the camera in the direction the field reporter is pointing at. She felt her heart skip before waiting for that moment of truth.

Her eyes grow to the size of saucers as she confirms it, the man from the picture stands up from the rubble rubbing the back of his head like a dense fool. “Mr. Urashima, are you all right?” He looks up at the camera and the girl studies it, there is no mistaking it! It’s him!

Standing up fast, she grabs her cell phone and hits the speed dial while she looks back towards the TV.

“Hello? Yeah it’s me…no this is important, I need to talk to you…I know how busy you are ok?” the sound of growl crossed with a sigh is heard on the other side, “No, I’m not asking if I can borrow money again, this is serious…I think I found it”

“Found what?” The girl on the other side responds as she sits down in the office for a kendo school.

“A lead, I know where he is” The first one replied with a predatory grin. She hears the phone drop and the fumbling of quivering hands picking it off the floor. “Get home quick, we are headed for Yokohama.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kitsune Hanyou: Hey everyone! It’s time for our first…

Everyone: … Author’s side section!

Kitsune Hanyou: Hello! I have just done today’s prologue and 1st chapter, which will follow shortly. But first, I’ll explain what the title means: Rudis Domino means “Clumsy Lord” in Latin ^_^ yeaaaah!

* No response *

Kitsune Hanyou: Erhem…ok then, let’s continue!

[br]Posted on: January 20, 2008, 10:26 pm_________________________________________________C hapter 1: The Demon Landlord

Another day passes by in Hinata City, the sky an everlasting baby blue that fills the hearts of many with lifted spirits. The bright warm rays that awaken little children and ready them for the coming day. Chirping birds, fluffy clouds, and a peaceful breeze fly over head…though…speaking of flying, I do wonder… WHAT IN ZETTA’S NAME IS THAT THING?!

“AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!” A strange black blotch zooms by as it screams in the distant sky. After a few more seconds of flying he, as the clothes determined it indeed was a he, seemed to float in air.

This poor fellow is Urashima Keitaro, 20-year-old three-time ronin, trying to enter Tokyo University. He is also the manager of the local Hinata-sou, an all-girls dorm once owned by his dear granny Hina. Others would enjoy his status... especially those who fancy harems and such, but he didn’t like it that much. In fact, everyday meant a new form of pain added to his list.

He sighed as he flew beside ducks for a while, talking to one that appeared to sit on his chest. “Great job Keitaro… way to piss off the pervert-bashing duo again and sign another guaranteed ticket to my grave. I wonder: why does it always have to be like this?”

“Quack!”

“I don’t think someone, or something for that matter, like you would understand exactly how painful it is for me.” Keitaro knew he had gone mad… he just replied to a duck on his chest.

“Quack, quack!”

“Wait what?” “Quack” “Seriously you do?” “Quack!!”

Keitaro didn’t know whether to be afraid or joyful, but a duck that sat on his chest while he flew hundreds of feet off the ground had just comforted him. “Thank you! Your kind word’s mean a lot to me” his tears of joy turned into tears of pain as the duck bit his nose and shook it a bit.

“Hey! What the heck was that for?! I thought we were friends!” The duck appeared to be nodding behind him, possibly asking for him to turn his head.

“Oh I’m landing? Ok, thanks little guy…I don’t know but maybe I should face my problems more with determination. It really helped you know? It was nice knowing you” Keitaro patted the duck once more before he let it off, and his rapid descent forced him to scream again. That duck was such a nice guy… hold on a sec… I had just been in a conversation with a duck… I think I’m losing it.

I’m not a guy, and your perfectly fine.

Keitaro opened his eyes and saw the same duck fly past his face, “Did it just… no couldn’t be… ah whatever” His monologue stopped and he resumed screaming as his landing point was clear: The lake of the local park.

Down on the ground, a little boy who was prodding a dead bird looked up when his mother came back. “Look mom! A missile!”

“Giro, just turn away and let’s go,” His mother said hurriedly as she ushered her son away from the point of impact. People began running or rowing their boats away before… Boom! Keitaro landed and crashed in the lake, forcing the water up a few feet before landing on some of the poor spectators of his “Breathtaking dive”.

At the Hinata-sou… Shinobu sat in the lobby prepared to meet her kind sempai when he came back. Illusions of his injured body asking Shinobu to help him, blushing red every now and then, only to shake it off with one excuse: “Right now it’s serious, serious! Come on, Shinobu keep it together! Sempai is hurt right now… auuuu, why did Naru-sempai and Motoko-sempai have to go that far? I told them it was an accident! Auuuu I hope he’s ok…”

Anyway, this is Shinobu, 13-year-old resident of Hinata-sou, student of Kanagawa-prefecture junior high school, and Hinata-sou’s resident cooking genius. Since meeting Keitaro on that faithful day, she has had this huge crush for him and wants be with him. She has her good points and bad points, neither overweighs the other, and she’s a pretty good kid… and that she is possibly the only NORMAL person in the whole apartment.

“Shinobu, just let the pervert rot out there, serves him right anyway. ” The flaming redhead with antennae is Narusegawa Naru, 18-year-old student of Tokyo University, along with Keitaro. The dynamic in-more-than-one-way-short-tempered girl of Hinata-sou, she is smart, beautiful, and she… has one hell of a punch. Though she may look like it, she is one of the two people to send Keitaro into the stratosphere. But as they say, looks can be deceiving; she also has a certain amount of affection for the guy… but prefers to go with the idea of “tough love”.

“Yes Shinobu, Naru-sempai is correct. Urashima is a grown man himself, he knows when to take responsibility, and he does so at this very moment. He is repenting for his perverted transgression toward his own tenants.” If the other one was hotheaded and violent, this one was levelheaded and calm… but she carried a sword and never hesitated on using it. She is Aoyama Motoko, 16-year-old student of Kanagawa-prefecture high school, heiress of the Shinmei-ryuu sword school, and the other person responsible for that large hole. Calm, cool, collected, Motoko is a girl who lived the life of the samurai. Ignoring her hateful outlook of men, or her inherent fear of turtles, she is pretty much a good person at heart. Inside that intimidating, man-hating exterior, is your typical teen girl going after the guy she likes: Keitaro.

“Shinobu-chan, don’t worry your pretty little head dear, it’s Keitaro. Next thing you know, he just bounces back inside looking good as new” Here trying to cheer her up is the resident drunkard and free-lance writer, Konno “Kitsune” Mitsune, 18-year-old laidback, sake drinking, best friend of Naru. They have been friends since junior high and have both been roomies at Hinata-sou. Just as her nickname implies, she’s just as sly and conniving as any fox. She also has a thing for Keitaro… but displays it more often-than-not to get something she wants.

“Shinomu cheer up! Keitawo will be back! He’s indestructible, a little punch ain’t nothin to him.” The last member of Hinata house is the rambunctious Kaolla Su, who doesn’t only act like a child but looks like one. Scrawny 14-year-old girl that is in the same class as Shinobu, but believe this, she is smarter than she looks. She loves Keitaro too, but in more of a… brother-sister type way.

“I just can’t help worrying about him…” Shinobu replied to all of them, sitting down again and looking at the clock. “Auuuu, I’m sorry sempai,” she whispered to herself before getting up and getting her book bag, “Su! Come-on, we’re going to be late for school!” Su leaped right out the door as Motoko, carrying a bokuto in a purple sword wrap and her book bag, bowed and exited after the junior high students.

Naru also announced that she was also late for the usual tram and left too. Knowing Keitaro, Kitsune thought he must have gone to school in whatever condition he was in. “I almost pity him… almost that is… oh well, time to see if I won anything.”

[kitsunehanyou09]

Yokohama station, 4:00 PM

“Youko, are you sure this is the place?” A girl in black coat and hat said to the other, who happened to be the red headed girl from before.

“Yeah I’m sure of it Mo-chan,” Youko replied as she stretched.

“So umm, tell me again… why are we dressed like this?” ‘Mo-chan’ asked her companion as they got in.

“Alright, I told you that when I got home and turned on the TV, the news was saying something about some freakish guy falling from a specific height and landing so hard, he formed a crater.” Youko replied as her friend stared at her blankly.

“That doesn’t answer my question, what’s with the conspicuous get up?!” Mo-chan prodded her friend’s chest. Youko faked a moan and got hit over the head with a harisen.

“Don’t do things people will misunderstand!” Mo-chan shouted after putting the harisen away into her coat.

“Sheesh, calm down why don’t ya?” Youko mumbled while rubbing the spot that was hit, “Anyway, we are dressed up like this because: If we go out in public, we’ll draw too much attention to ourselves, something we don’t want. Our goal is to head for the Hinata-sou and meet up with Keitaro.”

Mo-chan blinked twice before smirking, “Huh, this is rare, you’re actually thinking this through without the need for conflict. I’m impressed.” Mo-chan snickered at her friend’s smug expression.

“Yeah! I can think things through too you know,” she stopped smiling when she realized what she just implied and reinforced, “I am not a knucklehead!” Youko shouted only to have Mo-chan look the other direction with feigned ignorance.

“I didn’t say you were, you called yourself that.” Mo-chan skipped happily away from the steaming girl. Not realizing where she was going, she bumped into a schoolgirl when she turned at the corner.

“Ouch… I’m sorry, are you all right?” Mo-chan looked down as she saw that the girl’s school bag and wrapped package were splayed on the sidewalk. “I’m really sorry, here let me assist you”

After repacking the girl’s schoolbag, she stood up as the schoolgirl had already slung the slender object on her shoulder again and retrieving her bag from the stranger.

“Thank you very…”

Both of them could not help but stare at each other, they were roughly the same height. Mo-chan figured she was in the kendo club at her school because of the small duffel bag, the sword bag on her shoulder, and her athletic figure.

“Mo-chan, we have to hurry! I’m hungry!” Youko shouted as she picked up their bags and pushed her companion away.

---------- Same scene, in Motoko’s perspective ----------

Motoko sighed as she walked back toward her school from halfway to the streetcar station. “ Of all times I had become forgetful, why today?” Motoko grumbled a bit more while she walked. She had forgotten her homework in the classroom when school ended, and left for the Kendo club.

Turning the corner, Motoko collided with a person and fell on her backside. Her bag slipped out of her grasp and her bokken clattered loudly as it fell beside her.

“Ouch… I’m sorry, are you all right?” Motoko heard the girl speak; she nodded as she reached out for the fallen sword. “I’m really sorry, here let me assist you.”

Motoko stood up and saw the other girl in the dark cloak stand up as well, her school bag in hand. The girl returned her bag and she smiled, reaching out and taking it out from the stranger.

“Thank you very…” Motoko let her gratitude linger as both she and the stranger in front of her stood surprised. Motoko felt she was looking into a mirror, this girl, probably her age; every feature matched sans the red eyes and pointed ears.

She watched as her double had been pushed away by her red haired friend. A doppelganger? No, that’s preposterous, it’s merely coincidence that she looks like me… right? Motoko left the subject alone and continued her trek back to school, hoping that the clubs were still busy.

----------Perspective end----------

A little later in Hinata city, Shinobu, Su, and a few friends of theirs were on their way home from school. Shinobu and Su were simply conversing about what was on the menu tonight while their friends were talking about who was better: Nana Mizuki or Tamaki Nami.

Shinobu laughed at Su’s request for dinner: banana curry, a combination of the girl’s favorites. Shinobu believed that this request was a worthy challenge of her cooking skills. They stopped at a crosswalk waiting for the signal to cross the road, when Shinobu noticed something walking on the other side. Two people dressed in black coats and carrying travel bags, one of them looked like Motoko, walked in the direction of Hinata-sou.

Youko and Mo-chan arrived at the steps of Hinata-sou and started their ascent. At the bottom, they started climbing full of vigor… toward the middle, they slowed a bit but continued; but by the time they had reached 3/4ths up the hill, they had to sit down on benches outside a little tea house. “Mo…chan… I * puff * can’t * puff * go on…” Youko and Mo-chan were breathing heavily. Tired from trying to climb a monster of those stairs.

“Tha- * wheeze * that’s hard * puff * to believe… but I can tell why…” Mo-chan breathed out. They both took deep breaths before exhaling.

“Moo-chaaan… I’m huuungry…” Youko whined, Mo-chan couldn’t smack her because she herself was lacking energy, “Feed me, Mo-chan…”

“What are you looking at me for? I didn’t bring any money with me. I was only able to pay for our bus and train fare. Nothing else” Mo-chan covered her ears as Youko let out a loud frustrated moan while flailing her arms and legs like a kid, throwing an angry fit while repeating the words “I’m hungry!”

Mo-chan was on the brink of snapping, that bulging vein was like a ticking time bomb ready to blow. She slowly reached into her pack for an even bigger harisen. One blow… that’s all I need… just one blow to the head, and she’s out like a light. Not even Reia of the netherworld hospital can wake her up. Her twitching became considerable before the sound of a door sliding open broke her anger, that, and a familiar voice.

“I wondered why that annoying chirping sounded familiar. Real amusing to find the two of you here.” The two girls looked up to find a very refreshing sight.

“Haruka-dono!”
“Anego!”

“Youko, Motoko, telling from your clothes you aren’t here to become borders of Hinata-sou?” Haruka inquired, when they nodded, she sighed and stepped away from the door.

“Come in for a bit, I’ll charge Keitaro if you two decide to eat” At the sound of the word, they bowed with full respect and walked quickly towards the nearest table inside.

At the Hinata-sou, Kitsune was watching the races as usual, only this time; she was at the edge of her seat. If her horse won, she could win 200, 000 yen and a week’s worth supply of sake from the sponsor of the racetrack.
“Lucky star… let’s go! I need me some cash and sake, for the rent and to pay of Kei-kun” Kitsune held her ticket in a tight grip. To her, this was a matter of life or death.

Shinobu and Su arrived and removed their shoes at the front, “We’re home!” They announced. They simply got a grunt from Kitsune as they went separately: Shinobu headed for her room to get changed, while Su wanted to play with her toys.

Shinobu asked if Keitaro had come home while they were gone, Kitsune replied that she did see him retrieve his bag. On the terms of his health, just you’re typical abrasions and a few injuries, though his clothes were a bit tattered and drenched. This seemed to relieve Shinobu and continued her way

Motoko arrived next, announcing her arrival in a disgruntled shout. She got a pleasant “Welcome home” from Shinobu, a loud “Your back!” from Su as she flew down the stairs and latched onto Motoko. All she got from Kitsune was another grunt.

Blasted, perverted men… Somehow I wonder if they truly are needed, accursed life lessons. Motoko must have had a run in with another brave fool who tried to fondle her.

Naru came home, “I’m home!” She got her replies from everyone who heard her; Kitsune grunted to signal that she acknowledged her arrival.

“Gambling again?” Kitsune nodded dumbly while watching her horse. Naru raised a brow and sighed, “One of these days, gambling will ruin your life. I just know it will.” Naru walked upstairs to her room and shut her door.

“Ojama-shimasu!”* Motoko, or ‘Mo-chan’, and Youko yelled as they set their shoes at the door. “Oh man I ate too much…” Youko groaned a bit.

“Excuse me but, where is the Managers office?” Motoko looked at Kitsune, who was too busy being glued to the idiot box to look.

“2nd floor, 1st door to your left Motoko” Kitsune replied mechanically as Motoko and Youko bowed, just in case you didn’t realize, Youko had one arm slung over Motoko’s neck.
“Thank you so much” Motoko and Youko slowly ascended the stairs and entered the office.

Downstairs, Kitsune blinked for a bit, “Wait…didn’t I just see Motoko come in already?” She looked back up, “I wonder… could she have a twin? Nah impossible must be new tenants, I guess.” She turned back slowly to see that…

“…Oh my folks! The losing horse, Dead Nicky has caught up and, at a last sprint of strength, beat the crowd favorite, Lucky Star. Dead Nicky has just won the race everyone!” Kitsune crumpled the little ticket in her hands before yelling at the heavens.

“Nooooo!” She clutched her head, “200 grand…down the drain, why?!” comedic waterfalls fell from her eyes as she slumped onto the ground in despair, but was snapped out of it rather quickly as she remembered. “Hold on a… who were those two?” Kitsune, being Kitsune, had to know; it was time for her to display her abilities as an eavesdropper and slowly crept up the stairs to Keitaro’s room.

Inside Naru’s room, she was doing a little bit of the homework assigned to her and studied up a bit more on the subjects in the upcoming test. Sighing a little, she thinks a bit, “So close to Tokyo U… if only I can pass this exam then maybe I can get in.” Naru thinks about what she could do when she gets in, maybe eat with friends in the grassy areas, play tennis, have the same classes as her friends.

She was awoken from her day dreaming by the sound of Keitaro’s door opening, about time the idiot came home, Naru thought. She moved toward her Liddo-kun doll and removed the board, popping her head in.

“It’s about time you got home, what were you doing out so long any…way…” She realized something; these two people in Keitaro’s room were not him, one of them happened to look like Motoko too. “Can I…help you?”

Youko and Motoko looked at each other and thought, crap now what? Motoko tapped her palm and smiled. “We want to speak with the manager of Hinata-sou please.”

Naru sighed and dropped down into Keitaro’s room, “Sorry but he isn’t here at the moment, want to go into the lobby and wait for him there?”

Youko and Motoko both nodded, this time Youko decided to talk, “That would be very nice thank you.”
Keitaro trudged up the stairs to Hinata-sou, very tired, very hungry, and very annoyed. “First I’m thrown into the sky for an accident, next I talk to an animal like a loony, after that I land in cold water and have to go back to the house then to the prep. School. I get yelled at there for sleeping in class, and here I am now without having eaten anything the whole day. What else could make this day worse?”

“Yo, Keitaro” Haruka, his aunt, greeted him. She got a mumbled “Hello, Haruka-san” in reply. “You look tired, wanna come in for a bit?” Haruka asked, she got a polite refusal and she merely shrugged.

When she was about to reenter, she called out to him, “What is it, Haruka-san?” he replied, turning his head to her.

“You have some guests, you might want to give them a proper greeting” Haruka smirked and puffed out the smoke from the cancer stick. She went back inside and closed the door.

Keitaro sighed, more people to deal with… as if I didn’t have enough already, he continued his way until he got to the door.

“I’m back…” He barely had energy left to shout, he simply drawled it out.

“Ah! Welcome back sempai!” Shinobu walked up to him and bowed curtly, “The food will be ready shortly; I made some Gyuudon to cheer you up…and uh to apologize for earlier” Shinobu somewhat whispered the last part, but he caught on to it.

“That’s ok Shinobu, I should be the one to apologize for this morning. Thank you anyway for the Gyuudon” He smiled in her direction. Shinobu fiddled a bit before she remembered. “Your visitors are over there, they just arrived minutes before you did.”

“Really?” He replied dumbly, just as a nostalgic presence made itself known to him. Youki? And a familiar traces too… could it be.

“Yeah, one of them not only looks like Motoko but has the same name too. That’s amazing!” Shinobu walked to the back and presented everyone. Motoko was talking with the other Motoko before both (one had her hair down, while the other in the cloak still had hers up) were looking at the door. Youko was seated beside the pony-tailed Motoko while she conversed with Su. Naru and Kitsune sat on the large couch.

“Keitawo! Your home!” “What took you so long you moron?!” “Urashima! How rude of you to keep your own guests waiting so long!” Everyone except the mentioned visitors were bombarding him with questions, but it all stopped when the two girls stood up and stood in front of him.

“It’s good to see you again, Keitaro-sama” pony-tailed Motoko smiled.

“Yeah, it’s been way too long, Danna*” Youko added.

Their greetings to the man gave people some of the wrong ideas.

“Keitaro-sempai, your m-m-married!?” Shinobu was close to tears, letting out a little auuuu.

“What is the meaning of this Urashima!?!” Motoko roared as she immediately stood up and stomped towards the man. Kitsune just whistled, while Naru also stomped towards him, cocking a fist.

“You did something perverted didn’t you?! And to such a young kid too!” Naru looked like she was ready to kill the man.

“Wait a—please let me explain!” Keitaro had raised his hands, flailing them in front of him as if to ward off danger.

“Save it for later!” Both Naru and Motoko yelled, preparing to charge him when two blurs shot by. An explosion rocked the house when Keitaro was thrown out of the house and hit a tree, causing it to break and fall to one side.

The stunned observers looked as the pony-tailed Motoko and Youko were still in their striking stance. Youko had punched him while pony-tailed Motoko kicked him.

“Keitaro/Urashima/Sempai!” were all yelled in unison as they filed out the house. Watching him stand up slowly as the two assailants exited the house.

They smirked and threw off their cloaks.

Pony-tailed Motoko had been wearing a Gi and Hakama, similar to Motoko’s, except hers had larger cuts to the top of the shoulders; red ribbons adorned the edges of her Gi, while her Hakama was a natural red.

Youko’s outfit was more of a skin-tight sleeveless swimsuit, long leggings with large golden anklets, and red fighter shoes. What surprised them most are the large gauntlets on her arms, they wondered why they didn’t see those.

“You dare show your aggression?” Motoko was about to draw her sword when Keitaro put his hand up.

“Motoko, everyone, stay out of this. They came here for me, and I’ll give them that satisfaction” Keitaro stood up and got into his own fighting stance. This confused Motoko and the rest. Instead of intervening, she obeyed his rather dangerous request, and led everyone to the farther part of the front yard.

Keitaro held his left palm out while he kept his right hand balled into a fist; left foot forward, right foot back. Youko rushed him while the other Motoko materialized a large sword out of nowhere, increasing the danger by the first Motoko’s standards.

Youko aimed a punch for his head; he ducked and held a hand out to catch another fist aimed for his head. Pulling her down, he twisted up, stood and leapt back to dodge a sweep kick. Behind him, the other Motoko rushed at him with sword in hand and attempted to slash him into ribbons. Every attempt he dodged with frightening reflex and caught the last one before it got him. The attacking Ronin pinned him down for Youko to attack with a strong punch.

She failed however when Keitaro exerted a little push and pulled the sword down to block the punch. A ringing sound was heard when gauntlet and sword collided.
Keitaro rushed them this time, Youko first, he aimed several blows to her head and abdomen, and she dodged right at the last attack aimed for her stomach. Her mistake was he also spun around and backhanded her to a tree. He leapt backwards and landed behind pony-tailed Motoko.

“You were always this good” she commented, “but somehow today…” she disappeared.

“An afterimage?!” Keitaro looked behind him too late and she impaled him.

“…Your skills have become utterly dull.” She finished, drawing the blade out.

The girls were shocked, Keitaro had been killed right there, and they couldn’t do anything.

Pony-tailed Motoko instantly leapt back as something landed in the ground in front of her, the spot she used to occupy stood Keitaro withdrawing his arm from the broken ground. She looked behind him to find a straw dummy. She smirked at his handiwork.

Both of them stood stances again, the girls somewhat relieved he was alive. They dashed at each other; this time Keitaro moved slightly faster and interrupted his opponents attacks by kicking the flat side of the blade or forcing her to dodge. Through out the fight, Motoko felt youki, demon energy, flow in miniscule amounts out of Keitaro, she began to wonder if it had something to do with fighting.

Keitaro decided it was time to finish it. By using a heavy haymaker, she stepped to the side, only to realize that Keitaro rolled inward and sent her back a few feet with a powerful open-palm thrust. Not giving her time to get up, he stepped on her wrist and grabbed the sword, pointing it at her neck. Stopping the progress of her comrade.

“Give up, it’s my win,” Keitaro said as a look of defeat passed over the two.

The girls were going to congratulate him on defeating his attackers…if it weren’t for the fact that he was helping one of them up. “Urashima! What do you think you are doing?” Motoko yelled.

“Ahaha…Look’s like I have some explaining to do then.” He turned back towards pony-tailed Motoko and Youko, “It’s great seeing you two again. I’ve missed both of you.” He smiled warmly at them, they became teary eyed, sniffling a bit. This baffled the rest of the girls when the two girls tackled him to the ground, bawling on his chest with smiles.

“I’ll explain everything…just…please.” He lay on the ground looking at Shinobu pleadingly, “I need food now…”
------------------------------------------------------------------
Keitaro: time for… (with everyone) Author’s side section!

Kitsune Hanyou: Phew! Finally done with chapter 1 I hope you all like it. If you want to know what the job classes in Disgaea look like, go to kawaiidream.net and check Galleries for Jeux Video>Disgaea

Keitaro: And here are some translation notes:

Ojama-shimasu- commonly used when entering someone else’s home. It literally means, “I will be a burden” but could just be thought of as, “Excuse me”

Harisen- paper fan used in comedy to smack people

Kitsune Hanyou: And that’s it, I hope you liked it. Please PM me on your thoughts (I accept criticism, flames, and praises)

Motoko: Next time! Chapter 1.1 Truth of the Dork

[Arekkusu]

Am i the only one here who read this? Anyway, here are my thoughts on the story.

Do you purposely write fanfics in form of a script? Because the way u describe yor characters sounds more like directions isntead of discriptions. Somewhat like, your own thoughts about the characters.

The story itself has many boring parts, i.e. pointless fights ( way too early into the story, doesn't feel right, to me), way too much dialogue. Beginnings are suppose to introduce all the characters, and although you did do that, you added more than enough dialogue between characters. I think more descriptions on WHAT they are doing, and how they are feeling would help the readers sympathize with the characters more.

You don't really describe the settings all too well. You just say something about the weather and stuff like that. What about the surrounding pedestrians? buildings? the vehicles? things like that. Be more detailed.

Again, in a script you can get away with not having those kinds of things, which is why i ask, you write your fanfic in a form a script, sort of. Its like a script hybrid with a story.
I've written screenplays before, your not too far off from how its suppose to look like. Just need camera directions ( implicit directions, not explicity), more present tense ( like instead of she went or she is going, it becomes "she goes"), and more description of the surroundings and how the character feels.

As for my overall opinion of the story, its mediocre. The prologue was awesome, caught my attention really fast. THen...it became worse when u introduced Keitaro and the rest of the girls. You make Naru and Motoko?( the one living in hinatosou) sound like close friends. And also, fight scenes seem kind of....pointless? Keitarou's actions are fine, but everyone else seems a tad bit....over dramatic. For example, two visitors come in, BAM! Keitaro punched, AGAIN. This is like Team ROcket reappaering in Pokemon. ONCE is enough, but twice in one episode is lame and repetitive. THis applies to your story as welll.

I hope i wasnt too harsh....btw Prologue and final parts of chapter 1 are interesting, everything in the middle felt more like a task to read.
----
You wrote a lot, so u deserve some critique and karma+

[Katie_Alleena]

I haven't got the time to read this all yet, dahlin.

Nice intro. I Love it! So I can't wait to finish up. More Critique from me when I do finish.
But keep up the good work.

[kitsunehanyou09]

Kitsune Hanyou: Hello everyone! Did y’all like the first chapter? Well forgive my apparent tardiness. An illness and final exams had held me back, so this follow up was delayed. Now then, let’s begin chapter 1.1!

Chapter 1.1: Truth of a Dork

Within the dinning room, the residents and guests sat together on the table eating a steaming, scrumptious meal prepared by the prodigy that is Shinobu.
The smell of justly cooked tonkatsu wafted around the room, mixed with the scent of some miso soup and prepared tea.

Keitaro sat at the utmost edge of the table, more or less because of his status, while on either side of him sat the red-eyed Motoko and Youko. Natural Motoko sat beside her doppelganger, followed by Naru and Kitsune while Shinobu and Su sat beside Youko.

A revelation of Keitaro’s true identity had passed along earlier, earning shocked looks and somehow some expressions of understanding passed along their faces. As if a camera were present, it focused itself upon Naru who at the moment calmly ate.

“Correct me if I am wrong, but after what you have told me you want me to believe that you are, in truth, a half-demon?” Naru politely asked, Shinobu, Su, and Kitsune turned their heads to Keitaro.

Keitaro grunted and nodded, his guests mimicking his movements perfectly as all three of them drank some tea.

Naru sighed and continued her questions, “They are also demons and you‘re their demon lord?”

Keitaro and the other two replied in the same manner again, their eerie unison irked her; the twitch on her brow was evident of her growing annoyance

Naru put down her chopsticks, at this point, the others’ curiosity had peaked at her odd behavior. She inhaled through her nostrils and filled her lungs to their utmost capacity, facing Keitaro once more she did the most predictable

“Fuzakeruna! *” The force of Naru’s yell was so loud, everyone covered their ears from the sheer volume. The aftermath left Keitaro and his guests’ hair and clothes disheveled, “If you wanted to lie about some dirty secret you’ve been hiding, make it more believable!”

“Naru-senpai, he’s right,” Motoko intervened, “Since that fight, I could feel waves of Youki flowing out of their bodies; Urashima does not lie.”

“Thank you Motoko-cha—“ Keitaro’s gratitude had been cut short by the piercing glare Motoko had directed toward him, “But! That does not mean he is not dangerous!”

“Hold on a sec, I” Keitaro stood to counter that statement, but was halted by a blade held up against his throat. Motoko jumped back when her doppelganger had drawn her own sword and stood in front of Keitaro.

Su ignored them all and kept eating while Shinobu stepped back a bit, Youko herself had stood up.

“You will not harm Keitaro-sama!” An arm stopped her from advancing. She looked behind her; red-eyed Motoko saw Keitaro’s hand on her shoulder stopping her advance.

“Aoyama-san, rest assured. They mean no harm at all; we are not similar to those creatures you deal with, you have my word.” Keitaro’s words seemed to calm all of them down. Motoko scoffed and sheathed her blade, sitting back down.

“I believe ya Kei, if you say they are harmless, then I’d believe ya if you said the sky was falling” Kitsune smiled while sitting back down.

Naru was astonished at her friend’s blunt understanding. “How can you just believe him like that!?”

“Kei doesn’t look like the type to like lying. Besides, if you can believe that maybe he secretly has a wife and a concubine, then I suppose you can believe he was a demon lord or something” Kitsune ruled out her standing while taking a swig of sake.

“U-huh, whatever, I don’t care anymore.” Naru hmphed and sat in her seat. They all resumed eating as Shinobu raised her hand.

“Is there something you want to say, kid?” Youko looked at her and watched her “eep” under her gaze.

“Um…senpai? Can I know…why are they here?” Shinobu asked shyly.

“Yes, I would like to know myself. Youko, Motoko, “ incidentally, the human Motoko looked at him as well. “What is your business here?”

“Yes well…Keitaro-sama” demon Motoko stood up; the human one did not flinch. Keitaro kept his word and she had to trust this, even if she didn’t want to. “We have been searching for you for so long now.”

Youko continued from there, “During our stay in this world, we had lived a simple life in Nagoya, but ever since we had gotten our clue, that you were in Hinata City, we had to come.”

“I see then, well I’m glad you’ve come! I’ve missed both of you dearly.” Keitaro gave them each a short hug to show his appreciation. “ So where are the two of you staying?”

“Well…umm the thing is…” Youko began but was interjected by demon Motoko, “We plan on camping out. Seeing as though we don’t have money to pay for an apartment.”

Keitaro looked appalled and shook his head, “No, I won’t stand for it! You can both stay here in Hinata-sou, right girls?”

They looked amongst themselves and huddled in one corner, the murmurs made Keitaro fidget a bit, every now and then one of them would look back at Keitaro and his guests. They broke their huddle and returned to their seats in a flash.

“We have come to a conclusion,” Kitsune called out across the room in a formal manner, so much unlike her. Keitaro gulped, his guests prepared for the worst, “Through much consideration and thought, only 2 people oppose to the idea. As the majority rules, your guests are welcome to stay for the night. Motoko’s disapproval can be swayed if you promise to keep your guests in check.”

“Seriously!? I’m so grateful, thank you girls!” Keitaro was elated, he turned to the shocked demons and smiled brightly to them, “there you have it, the two you are welcome to stay!”

“Wow really?!” Youko was silenced by demon Motoko who simply shoved her friend’s head down and spoke for her, “We are truly grateful but we wouldn’t want to impose on your kindness, Keitaro-sama”

“Nonsense! The girls have agreed to it and I sense no ill intention from either of you. So please, save yourselves the trouble and stay” Keitaro smiled.

The two looked at each other and nodded, “Alright, we shall take you up on your kind offer,” demon Motoko bowed and smiled, “we shall be in your care.”

“So do you go by any nicknames perhaps? After all, there are two Motokos it’s kind of confusing” Kitsune inquired as the rest nodded in agreement.

“Well, Motoko is just a name given to me by Keitaro-sama,” the others looked at Keitaro questioningly, “My original name is Kuroyama Tomoko.”

“Keitaro, what does she mean by “given name”? You named her?” Naru eyed him suspiciously, as though he did something wrong.

Keitaro sighed and decided to explain. “As I mentioned earlier there is a form of hierarchy in Makai, though it looks more like a food chain than a hierarchy; big fish eat little fish, they fear therefore they respect, something within that line, do you understand me so far?” Keitaro noted some had concentrated a little on what he said, trying to understand what he just said.

Shinobu had imagined a little Keitaro fish, complete with the mop of hair and glasses, gobbling smaller fish till he grew and grew. She giggled momentarily and drew attention to herself before blushing in her realization of her daydreaming.

“Naturally, there are demon lords that are powerful enough to overpower the competition and rises to the top. They are known as Overlords, demons with enough power to level cities without moving an inch” Keitaro’s explanation caused chills to run down their backs.

“Wow, so this overlord is the master of everything?” Naru questioned, gulping and gawking as he shook his head.

“Just as the title suggests, Overlords are so powerful, even the word powerful would be an understatement. But that didn’t mean there couldn’t possibly be more than one, many Overlords in different dimensions fight each other to prove the others strength or for dominance over the other’s netherworld,” Keitaro paused momentarily to gauge their expressions, he snickered to himself as almost all, except Shinobu and Su for obvious reasons, were gaping like fish.

“That’s just how chaotic our world is, and yet many seem to be able to find peace within this pandemonium” Youko answered while asking for seconds, munching happily away at the tonkatsu.

“What does this have to do with naming Tomoko?” They all asked in their own way.

“I’m getting there, be patient” Keitaro drank some more tea and continued as he promised, “Mana is something reminiscent of youki or ki, it’s used by demons as life force, and as a payment for recruiting vassals and passing bills.”

Keitaro had been prepared for a resounding “huh?!” coming from his tenants. Hoo boy, this was really troublesome, Keitaro thought.

“Simply put, we use mana to call for vassals, or minions if you will. There is such thing as currency in Makai, those are called hells.” Keitaro elaborated, satisfied as another resounding “oh” came from the bewildered audience.

“So what ever made you pick the name Motoko?” this was it, the moment Motoko was too ashamed to ask. Why did he name her Motoko? She was glad Kitsune decided to ask…then again, it was Kitsune; she was probably up to something.

“Well…the thing is…” they leaned closer, wanting to learn his reason, even Youko was not spared by her curiosity; Motoko faked her lack of interest by ignoring him in favor of drinking tea, “I don’t know really, it was the first thing that came to mind!” He scratched the back of his head as some of them face faulted, Motoko on the other hand chose to spit out the contents of her tea cup in a glorious spray.

“Anyway, I could talk more but it would take too long, “ Keitaro shrugged, “ right now, you can use your real name, Tomoko” Tomoko looked up in surprise. She knelt beside him and seemed to be crying, “Huh? What’s wrong?”

“No it’s just that…to allow me to use my real name over my given name, it is an honor Keitaro-sama” She smiled as she sat back and continued eating.

“He he he…seems to me like she is more like you than you think, eh Motoko?” Kitsune nudged the girl who choked on her food.

“P-p-preposterous! I would never act so…subservient in front of that lecher of a manager of ours!” Motoko noticed Tomoko twitch out of the corner of her eye.

Tomoko simply cleared her throat and complimented Shinobu’s cooking, ignoring Motoko’s indirect or direct insult. “Keitaro-sama, I forgot to mention we brought gifts from everyone who passed it to us, since they could not come here out right due to the lives they live here.”

As soon as everyone finished eating, Shinobu, with Keitaro and Tomoko’s assistance, went right away to clean the plates while the others went to the living room.
-----------------------------------------------------

Kitsune Hanyou: And there you have it. Forgive me again if it's dull, I just wanted to get that explanation out of the way. Definitely, the next chapter will feature new characters.

Motoko: You better hold on to those words, or else you would be tarnishing the Kitsune name.

Kitsune Hanyou: Yes well...hey! it's time for!

Keitaro: Translation notes!

Fuzakeruna- This is an expression I felt couldn't be used in a better way in english. It translates as "Don't mess with me!", "Your pulling my leg!", "Don't joke with me!", "Don't **** with me!" but there was no better way than in its traditional language.

"We shall be in your care"- You hear this alot in anime by the phrase "Yoroshiku, onegai-shimasu" It means exactly like I put it.

Kitsune Hanyou: Well that's it! I hope you liked it!

Naru: Next time on Rudis Domino Chapter 1.2 Reunion and destiny-nya!

[Arekkusu]

Wow, Kitsune you have improved a lot from your first chapter. There is much more detail in this chapter, and you skipped the needless conversations as well. There are a few of them remaining in the new chapter but thats alright because getting rid of everyone would make it dull. I actually had fun reading this one. It felt like a chore to read teh previous one. . Now i really want to know what happenes next, what kind of coflicts would arise between the demons and the humans? Would they make peace? Would a conflict occur at all?Why is Keitarou a half demon and not a full demon? What happened in his past? It's all so interesting to think about, im not exaggerating either. Really Good job, yes im aware that i have them capitalized.

However, yes there's something im not happy about. Since Keitaru is a half demon, i think he is way too nice. His character should be more cynical. I guess is too late to change the character now, but why is he so nice? Hmm.....

great improvement from the last one, keep up the good work.

[kitsunehanyou09]

Originally Posted by Arekkusu

Wow, Kitsune you have improved a lot from your first chapter. There is much more detail in this chapter, and you skipped the needless conversations as well. There are a few of them remaining in the new chapter but thats alright because getting rid of everyone would make it dull. I actually had fun reading this one. It felt like a chore to read teh previous one. . Now i really want to know what happenes next, what kind of coflicts would arise between the demons and the humans? Would they make peace? Would a conflict occur at all?Why is Keitarou a half demon and not a full demon? What happened in his past? It's all so interesting to think about, im not exaggerating either. Really Good job, yes im aware that i have them capitalized.

However, yes there's something im not happy about. Since Keitaru is a half demon, i think he is way too nice. His character should be more cynical. I guess is too late to change the character now, but why is he so nice? Hmm.....

great improvement from the last one, keep up the good work.

Before I thank you for the comment, I also thank Kat for her comment too . Anyway, to explain:

Keitaro's heritage will be explained in an eventual chapter, long discussions will now be seperated appropriately. As for his nice demeanor, that's my full intention ;D In the story or an omake, he'll explain everything. I'll get started soon, just have to finish some homework ok? hold tight ^_^ and can I add a seperate discussion thread for this story? It would look cluttered in this thread *bows*[br]Posted on: February 08, 2008, 08:16 pm_________________________________________________K itsune Hanyou: Hello everyone! Sorry I've been slacking off, I'll try to update faster. Also, Im going to start posting this story too in Fanfiction.net, so watch out for my penname ^_^

Tomoko: Let's continue then!
-----------------------------------------

Chapter 1.2 Reunion and Destiny-nya!

The residents of Hinata-sou gathered around the living room while the guests, Youko and Tomoko, brought out packages of different shapes and sizes. They were interesting to say the least; letters and pictures from his former vassals, some were even strange presents. Joy filled Keitaro's heart at these sentimental gifts sent to him by his friends and followers, demons no less. One in particular caught Keitaro’s attention; it was a small black box with golden decors wrapping the edges of the cube. An elaborate emerald and gold dragon was painted on the supposed lid while raging seas were painted on the 4 side faces.

Keitaro heard his name called and turned to face his vassal. “Keitaro-sama, I see you have discovered the present from Demon Lord Otohime. She asked us to give this to you when we saw her at Yokohama, for some obvious reasons she couldn’t do it herself.”

Keitaro nodded and figured she must have been on some important business or something; he accepted the gift and stretched out his arm to pick up the box.

Upon nearing the box, it suddenly shuddered. Everyone in the room were surprised by the sudden movement and blinked in confusion, they shrugged it off as someone nudging the table. Keitaro neared it again and it seemed to leap this time, now this was disturbing. Upon the third time, it jumped AND made a “myuh” like sound.

“Myuh?” Keitaro echoed, deciding to open the box. Wary glances were sent to each other as Keitaro picked up the box and opened it, at that moment several emotions fluttered around the room.

Inside the well-made box was a little yellow and green turtle. It looked up at Keitaro with it’s little beady eyes and raised its flipper with an accompanied “myuh”. Many people in the room admired the creature with differencing degrees of “It’s so cute!” Everyone except Motoko, who currently turned deftly pale and resembled a sheet of paper.

“Tama-chan!” The turtle replied as it flew up to Keitaro’s face and rubbed her face on his, “Huh what’s this?” Keitaro picked up the piece of paper the little turtle picked up.

Tama-chan landed on his shoulder and gave him a peck on his cheek as he read the note out-loud. Shinobu affectionately stroked its little yellow head while Kitsune and Naru observed its peculiar ability to fly.

Dear Kei-kun,
If you are reading this letter, then I can rest assured that Youko and Tomoko have delivered this safely. How have you been lately? I do hope you have been eating well, not overdosing on cup ramen I hope? Tama-chan missed you very much, so I had to send her to you. Though I apologize for not being able to do it in person; I had some important business to attend to.

I have talked with your two vassals, it seems as though they have been in contact with your other remaining vassals. I take it they have adjusted to life here in the human world.

Keitaro smiled momentarily as he noticed some pictures Youko had taken out and showed to the rest. When he looked back at a particular paragraph, he thought best that he read it to himself.

Keitaro put the note back into the box and made it a point to talk to them later. The sound of someone whimpering piqued at Keitaro and everyone else’s interest. This sound was so alien to them, the sound it seemed so out of place, so unnatural. Especially since it’s source—everyone was shocked to admit— came from the one and only Aoyama Motoko.

“Motoko-chan? What’s wrong?” Keitaro approached the frightened girl. Keitaro noticed that she had her back pinned to the wall, her eyes wide like platters, her whole body was convulsing in terror. Her mouth whimpering and trying to form a word, failing again and again as her head slowly turned to Keitaro, she wanted so much to cry.

“Tu-tu-tu-tu-tu…!” Motoko strained to form the word.

“Tu? Turks? Turquoise? Turnabout?” Keitaro tried to figure it out, only for Motoko to leap behind him and scream out the answer.

“TURTLE!!” She screeched uncharacteristically.

Indeed Tama-chan bobbed up and down in the air before dashing (if you will) toward Keitaro, crying adorably. Motoko panicked, resulting in a deliberate attempt at a diversion by shoving Keitaro in her way.

“What the—“ Keitaro’s complaint was cut short by Tama-chan crashing into his face. While Keitaro nursed his bruised face, Tama-chan flew toward Motoko again. Motoko cringed with a loud meep, and drew her sword and swung it around hazardously to ward off the “demented shelled beast” before her.

When things had settled down—meaning Motoko had fainted when Tama-chan kissed her cheek after she let her guard down— at the moment, Shinobu had been taking care of Motoko who was placed in her room, Tomoko and Youko had been accompanied by Kitsune to find the room they would bunk in. Naru had resumed her studies while Su had simply become bored and returned to her jungle-of-a-room.
--------------------------------------------------
Keitaro sat in his room as he let Tama-chan sleep on his pillow. He read all the notes and laughed softly at the odd gifts they brought with them. The picture in his hand was of him when he was 16 years old, a newly inaugurated demon lord, Youko and Tomoko, slightly younger, stood at his sides. On his head, Tama-chan sat happily flipper raised toward the camera.

Others in the picture stood around him smiling, smirking, or grinning around him. Kneeling in front of Keitaro was a white haired youth whose discernable age, as with the others, are 13 to 14 in demon years, a ninja-in-training. Hand on his shoulder, was his upperclassman, an experienced ninja. Though, unlike the common trend, he looked different. Dark green eyes framed by bangs and hair of the darkest green; his ensemble was a variant of the typical ninja wear in the netherworld: leather shirt reinforced with bone-plated armor. His gloves had bone back-plates while his shin guards and waistband were made of bone. His pair of pants were standard ninja garb but in a shade of scarlet than brown.

“Good old times…times that I wish I could simply bring back, but right now, I can’t. I have a job as the manager of this dorm.” Keitaro walked solemnly to the window and leaned out looking into the night.

“Who would have thought that after all these years, my vassals would have actually wanted to find me. Most are happy to have left their masters after being paid, well those are the lucky ones that still live anyway.”

Keitaro continued to sigh and stare at the moon, crescent in the dark blanket of the starry evening sky. He could almost see them like he did in the picture, smiling beside and behind him. Sadness continued to envelope him in cold nostalgia, while a creature sat on the tree in front of his window.

It watched him with its slit eyes glowing in the moonlight, golden and predatory in its gleam. A pearly fanged smile crawled across the “face” of the silhouette as it leaped toward another tree that was slightly closer to the window.
---------------------------------

Keitaro was aware someone was watching him, hearing the branch outside creak lightly and leaves being ruffled. Keitaro was not the only one; Motoko who had been sleeping suddenly bolted up and scared Shinobu.

Someone is stalking Urashima… and from this feeling, it’s a demon. “Shinobu, stay here, I have to check up on Urashima.” Motoko stood up quickly and retrieved Shisui, her trusty sword. Oddly enough, she did not realize she was only wearing a white robe. Shinobu ignored Motoko’s instruction and ran after her, after all… it’s Shinobu, she’s too worried about her sempai to care.

In another room down the hall, Youko and Tomoko stopped packing and glanced at each other before rushing out the door. They also felt the intruder close by, Tomoko blade drawn already prepared to fight.

Keitaro had little time to turn when he was tackled by something furry…something female…something that lacked clothes.

Above, Naru had heard the loud thump and the surprised gasp from below, frowning at being distracted. “What is the idiot doing now?” she asked herself as she sauntered toward the board underneath her Liddo-kun doll.

Motoko had stopped at Keitaro’s door and opened his door, catching an eyeful of Keitaro’s flying back. He skid to a halt a few feet from her and the window; she was ready to face the attacker, her hand at the hilt of her blade, but she was not prepared to find a cat-eared girl with bright red hair. Her ears and tail had a matching color scheme—red with white tips—while patches of fur covering her essentials compensated her lack of clothing. The most striking feature was not her golden slit eyes, but her paw like hands and feet the same color as her ears and tail.

Keitaro looked up from the cat-girl nuzzling his face toward Motoko’s face, overshadowed by her hair. He grew nervous as her arms began to tremble most likely from anger. Shinobu came up behind her and fainted right away from the scene before her, eyes swirling and twirling in spirals all the while murmuring, “awoo woo.”

This can’t get much worse, can’t it? As if by some sadistic twist of fate, it did. Naru popped her head in the room and noticed the sprawled man on the floor with the cat-girl on top of him. Her eyes burned with an incredible rage as she leaped through the whole and landed on his floor, making a dent on his Tatami.

Outside the Hinata-sou, a blonde woman carrying a suitcase appeared at the top of the steps. “I made it, I just hope that Choco hasn’t done anything yet”, “URASHIMA/KEITARO!!!!” the woman in black flinched at the tremendous mixed roars from within the inn, “I spoke too soon.”

“WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?” Motoko shouted, “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?” Naru bellowed. Keitaro simply sighed while Choco the cat-girl purred, why me~
----------------------------------------------

Kitsune Hanyou: And there you have it. Author's side section will have to be for some other time. Instead, I'll leave a preview!

Keitaro: So who's doing the preview?

Motoko: He told me I would do the preview.

Tomoko: Lies, he said I would.

Motoko: Truths you doppelganger!

Tomoko: Why you...

Motoko and Tomoko: Grrrr!!!

Youko: *sigh and sweatdrop* Whatever, next time Chapter 1.3 Making my choice!

Motoko and Tomoko: HEY!

[Arekkusu]

Alright, first of all, thanks for the update . Nothing really happened in this chapter, except the introduction of a new character near the end.

“Tu? Turks? Turquoise? Turnabout?” Keitaro tried to figure it out, only for Motoko to leap behind him and scream out the answer.

This is uneeded, it distracts the reader. Something like "what is it?" would do.

“Good old times…times that I wish I could simply bring back, but right now, I can’t. I have a job as the manager of this dorm.” Keitaro walked solemnly to the window and leaned out looking into the night.

“Who would have thought that after all these years, my vassals would have actually wanted to find me. Most are happy to have left their masters after being paid, well those are the lucky ones that still live anyway.”

No one talks to themselves like this. I suggest you remove them, but then again thats just me.

Motoko stood up quickly and retrieved Shisui, her trusty sword

Don't use the word "trusty" and "quickly". You already said she stood up, dont need another action, it slows down the pace of this scene. ' Motoko stood up and sheathed her sword' would sound better.

Shinobu ignored Motoko’s instruction and ran after her, after all… it’s Shinobu, she’s too worried about her sempai to care.

Do not add describe how Shinobu is feeling out in the open like that. Thats the READER's job. It's our job to infer things. Leave it as something like, "Shinobu ignored her instructions and quickly followed her". From this we, as readers, can infer that shinobu is worried. Do not state that for us.

This can’t get much worse, can’t it?

Talking to himself...yeah just remove it, its uneeded in that scene.

[kitsunehanyou09]

thanks again for reviewing

I guess I have to make it clear that each time I italicize something, it means these are the thoughts of the character.

for example...I'll use Kaolla Su looking at a banana

I'm hungry

[keninu_heartthrob]

This one believes that you have great potential as a writer. Keep up the writing and maybe you can become an author of manga story plots all your own.

Borrowing gets you started, but the greater ones are said to steal all the best ideas. This one believes you'll become one of those. this one also hopes that she can become one too. :<3 :<3 ;D